Yum.

Coming soon to a blog near you. Hopefully.

Guten Tag! Learn German with Hans and Helga

So, in the spirit of random babbling posts...
I'm learning German! For now, at least. After awhile I'll probably give up, and just be equipped with tourist german (Hi! Good morning! What is your name? Where is the bathroom? Please, no more bratwurst! Have you lost your lederhosen?)
I've kind of always wanted to learn, and during my break at work, I was browsing Chapters and ended up in the language section. I figure, balancing 4 languages already, why not add a fifth?
Yeah, I'm a dork.

So anyway, I got this computer program, because I hate the plain audio courses, and books never show you how to pronounce things very well. And I must say- I love this thing. I'm only on the first disc of 5...but...it is thoroughly awesome. There are 2 people who do the pronunciation (I've named them Hans and Helga, cuz...why not) and it's very amusing. They just sort of sit in the corners of your screen, like that little paperclip man who used to be in Microsoft Word. There's little quiz sections/games, and when you get an answer right...they say 'JA!' and nod very very enthusiastically. I'm not going to lie, I've cracked up quite a few times. It's all in the enthusiasm. Hans and Helga sure know how to enunciate, is all I'm saying.

Anyone else compelled to learn as many languages as humanly possible, just for kicks? No? Just me? Alright then!

...and yes, so far I only know basic greetings and a few pleasantries. And food- though that doesn't really count, since I knew most of the food words just from deciphering menus on visits to Germany. But- we'll say it does!
Oh, and colors! I know colors.
So basically, I am a German toddler.

Well...auf wiedersehen! Post is over, ja.

A Man’s Best Friend is a Crack Addict with Gaping Intestines

Okay. Here’s the thing. I have struggled long and hard about my opinion of Chuck Palahniuk, and have read some opinions and analysis on other blogs. And his time has come. Sorry, Chuck.
First and foremost- I love Fight Club more than life itself. I have read it over and over, and YES I LOVE THE MOVIE, but the book is better and I did read it first. The idea is genius, the writing is genius- it makes sense that Tyler Durden would speak in staccato, gripping, gut-wrenching sentences. He’s not the type to mess around with lyrical prose and page long paragraphs.
Fight Club- point one for Palahniuk.
Since I loved Fight Club so much, I figured- someone who writes that piece of awesomeness can’t be THAT bad.

Um. Spoke too soon.
Because here’s the thing- Fight Club needed the violence and gore. It was an integral part of the story line, and the novel wouldn’t be as good without it. It was necessary.
In his other books, he often uses it when it’s not necessary. At all.
I’ve read Invisible Monsters, Lullaby, Choke, and Survivor. They’re all fairly quick, easy reads. Here’s the thing though.
Some of them just took it too far. Yes, there were some choice phrases or ideas in all of them that I said ‘hey, that’s sort of neat’. But for the most part, I had an experience similar to when I read Burroughs’ Naked Lunch. I would just stare at the page, thinking ‘Disgusting!’
It was ludicrous, at points. You just think- ‘these things don’t really HAPPEN’.
In the mind of the nameless insomniac writer, it made sense. He planned these things while he was in a half-sleep state, and none of them were too crazy. Project Mayhem did some grand gestures, but it wasn’t unimaginable.
Crazy transvestite drag queens, walking around with faceless girls, who were actually related but NOT REALLY BUT THEY DIDN’T KNOW BUT SOME OF THEM ACTUALLY DID, AND THEN THERE WAS THE CREEDISH DEATH CULT- BUT HE ESCAPED! AND HE’S A CELEBRITY! BUT HE ACTUALLY WANTED TO KILL HIMSELF BUT HE DIDN’T! AND THE SEX ADDICT WAS WORKING INA PILGRIM VILLAGE WHERE EVERYONE ELSE WAS AN ADDICT! AND THIS OTHER GUY WAS KILLING PEOPLE WITH THE SACRED LULLABY LEFT AND RIGHT! AND NO ONE KNEW! AND-
Come on, man! Get a hold of yourself! Put down the crack pipe! You have gone too far!
I admit this- I love crazy writing. That half-dream state, where the sentences don’t always completely coordinate, but they’re still awesome- I love that. The impact, the feeling, the emotion- love it. Perhaps I'm just crazy altogether. I like writing that strays from the ordinary.
But it’s just too much, Mr. Palahniuk. Too much.
There’s shock value, and then there’s just 260 pages of disgustingness.

I was browsing in Chapters the other day, and I stumbled across two of Palahniuk's new books, Rant and Snuff. I haven't really gone looking for him for awhile, so I'm not sure when these were released, but I gave it a flip-through.
Rant just hurt my head. I'm sure if I sat down and gave it a chance it may be different, but I just wasn't feeling it. The little 'interview' idea wasn't really my cup of tea.
And Snuff? The King of Gross-out Lit is back! From what I flipped through, it's about 300 pages of erections, pus, and porn. Why? WHY?
I realize it's not completely fair to judge without reading, but...I've read 4 of your books besides Fight Club, sir. I gave you a fair chance.

But please. If I wanted to read about pus and diseased anatomy, I would open a medical textbook. Not a fiction novel.

Okay, rant over!

Mrs. Dean Moriarty presents...

On the Road!

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!"

In a streak of wild rebellion (take note though, I wasn’t the most rebellious 12 year old), I used On The Road as my 7th grade book report. When I went to ask the teacher if it was okay (I know, asking permission- I was wild!) she says:
“Oh, I’m sure it’s fine. I’ve never read it, though.”
BLASPHEMY, I SAY!
I’m sure that I am a bit biased, since it’s one of my favorite books ever, but still! Isn’t it somewhat of a contemporary classic? I read it for the first time when I was in 7th grade, and have read it over a few times since then. My copy of On the Road is pleasantly worn out at the edges, the cover flexible and scratched up from being shoved into backpacks and suitcases.

Maybe it’s just a youth thing, but there’s something so amazing about it all. I want to be in those jazz clubs, I want to be roaming the streets, sleeping in Mexican jungles, talking to weird, insane, unique people- it just sounds so exciting. And I think we all have a little Dean Moriarty inside of us, and reading about his insane antics is one of the things that makes it worth reading for me.
I'm not exactly a 'glass half full' person- I'd dare to say that *gasp* perhaps I'm a bit cynical. But the way Kerouac describes some scenes makes me think that the world is still beautiful, somewhere, in the quiet hours in the morning, travelling across the country with a friend

One of the best of the Beats, is all I’m saying. Except Howl. One of my favorite pieces of poetry in the entire world is Howl. Perhaps I’ll post about that in the near future.

Anyway, if anyone really dislikes it, I’d be interested to hear why. I’ve found that it’s one of those books that people either really love or really hate, so it’s always interesting to hear the opinions on both strong ends of the spectrum.

Although, beware, if you diss it TOO much, I’ll have to kick your ass.

…well, mentally. But, you know, it’ll still hurt.

"So in America when the sun goes down and I sit on the old broken-down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all that road going, and all the people dreaming in the immensity of it... and tonight the stars'll be out, and don't you know that God is Pooh Bear?"

Don't be a length-ist!

Why the fear, people? I simply do not understand.
Admittedly, I'm biased. I am a big fat geeky lover of big books. More space for character development, more space for plot development, etc. Sure, sometimes I feel like reading a quick 100-page novella or play, but when someone says ‘hey, there’s this great book I read recently…it’s kind of long, though’ my response is always ‘ahahahaha! Not long enough, my friend!’
For some reason, when I offer this same literary olive branch to people I know, they shrink back as if I had said “hey, I ate the most delicious infant the other day- would you like to go baby-hunting and catch one to share for an afternoon snack?”
It’s not that crazy, I swear. It’s just a few extra words. It really won’t take you THAT much longer.
“It’s okay!” I assure them, “It was just a suggestion.”
“But…but…longer than 200 pages…ack…brain…ack...melting…’
I don’t understand. Some people take to books like cavemen took to hunting and have this 'conquest' attitude. Instead of wanting to savor a long book that maybe has some character or message or idea that changes your life, they simply want to read as many as they can, regardless of content.
Which is honestly better? To say you've read ten books, but none of them had a lasting impact on you- or to spend a bit more time reading that one book that may just have a deeper impact on you.
Now, I'm in no way saying that shorter books are inferior. I'm just saying that sometimes, a book is passed over simply because of its length, and that's sad. So many great books are sitting on shelves out there, with people unwilling to read them because it'll 'take too long'.

Don't be a length-ist! Try to read a longer book, it'll be good, I promise!